For years I have struggled with my body image, my weight and feeling like nothing fit. I have a vivid memory in my mind around the age of 13. I went to the mall with my Mom for back to school shopping. I was in junior high and the years of getting away with comfy leggings was over. I needed jeans. I NEEDED jeans. The problem….was two fold. First, I have always had issues with textures, tightness and overall clothing comfort. For instance, as a little girl I used to pull my socks around my bed frame, to “stretch them out.” I was probably 5. SO yes, this insanity is in my bones.
Second, I had a very large butt for my overall frame. Though my teen body type is “IN” now…it did me no justice in the late 1990’s. So here I was, at KMART, trying on every pair of jeans in every size. NOTHING FIT. They either fit my butt and were huge on my waist or vice versa. I had friends who would tell me to “shop around” but we were poor, and there was no way my mom was affording American Eagle Jeans at $45.00 a pair.
So here began the shame…walking into my first day of 8th grade wearing Kaki colored overalls.
This was my first awful memory in relation to my body and clothes but it defiantly wasn’t my last. I have gone off and on diets. I have lost weight to “make tape” in the military. And for a few years I gave up on underwear all together (not a proud moment of mine). I never really felt “good” in my clothes. Never really felt sexy. Never really felt like I had the confidence to rock my style and my body.
When I got pregnant with my son in 2018 I was SHOCKED to see the scale trend down. (Surely most of this can be attributed to the 24 month wine fast only made possible by pregnancy and breastfeeding). I never thought I would be the woman who looked good pregnant…but I did. And for the first time in my life I felt like this body I struggled so much with was actually just waiting to serve me when it was ready.
In September of 2021 I miscarried our second child. There is a long blog to go along with this but I will give you the short version….I felt worse about myself than ever. This body that I finally learned to love….betrayed me. I did not know what to do.
So like any rational depressed woman I convinced my husband we need a vacation and we booked a trip to Puerto Rico. I have never gone to the Caribbean and after the adrenaline from booking the trip subsided I was overtaken with the realization that I was going to be in a warm climate…wearing a bathing suit, showing my legs, showing my body. I still had not been able to loose the weight from the baby I lost. I was the heaviest I have ever been at almost 200 pounds. And I felt like SHIT.
One night when I was drowning my sorrows in wine, Facebook accosted me with an ad for Amazon Fashion Vacation finds. Facebook knows my weakness…late night online shopping ads…so I clicked, and clicked and clicked. AND I FOUND NOTHING!!!! What the hell!!! Do normal women not exist? I’m talking cellulite, I’m talking mom gut, I’m talking boobs that sag so much that they rest on your rib cage. I’m talking about beautiful real bodied women that want to feel hot on vacation.
Just like that, the hood in me came out and instead of getting sad and feeling bad about myself, I allowed my anger…and the wine…to send me into an online shopping vacation spree. Knowing my husband was home with an injury from work, and I couldn’t hide the packages being delivered… I focused on well priced clothes and accessories. Things that I knew that I, and my other median income friends could afford.
I FELT LIKE SUCH A QUEEN. Everything I wore fit. Everything felt comfortable. Everything made me feel stylish and confident.
I am adding the photos of my outfits with links to where I got them just in case there is someone out there, like me, who deserves to feel great…ESPECIALLY…on vacation!!
For reference I am a 40 D, size 14/16 pants, size large/xl top.
1) White Dress, worn on our last night out @Shien “Plus Allover Print Cami Dress” size 16
2) Black bathing suit and cover up pants, @Amazon “Awoscut Women See Through Sheer Mesh Pants” size XL, Bathing suit @Amazon “Blooming Jelly Womens Vintage One Piece Swimsuit Lace” size XXL
-Put the scarf in my bag and wore it at the restaurant for lunch.
3) Touring around town outfit. Leggings from TJ MAX in 1X, Hot pink crop Bra from Old navy
4) Bikini in both photos from @Amazon. I LOVED these so much. High waisted with lots of support in the top. “Tempt me women’s vintage swimsuit” XXL https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B087P8YZ58/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 5) Bathing suit cover ups (animal print and green) @amazon “Sweaty rocks women’s flowy cardigan” https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07MCT6DKH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 6) Hot Pink Jumpsuit @Amazon. This outfit was cute and easy to wear but it did not travel well (very wrinkly) and it was a little tight. I got the XL. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DVYL69R/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I bought lots of cheap earrings and accessories and switched them up every day. I drank margaritas, got a tan, and I have started to realize that I can dress my body at any weight and still be comfortable!
Thanks for reading! -With lots of love, Suddenly Santilli
Suddenly Santilli 